The Beginning of The End

Today, February 11th, marks the anniversary of what I think of as "The beginning of the end." Three years ago, today, I was standing in my kitchen, making dinner, while my sister-in-law held my 5 week old son. One minute I was happily chatting, the next I had started hemorrhaging. So fast...it happened so fast. Unfortunately, a diagnosis wasn't as quick, as it took my doctors almost a month to decide what was causing these repeat episodes, and by that time, it was too late for any treatment but the most radical. I spent more time in the hospital that February, than out of it; three weeks in all. February, for me, will always represent a downward spiral, each date of a hemorrhaging episode branded in my memory, leading inexorably toward The End. While the hysterectomy undoubtedly saved my life (along with a 10 pint blood transfusion), it also ended our dreams of becoming pregnant again. I am so incredibly grateful, every day, to have my beautiful, healthy son, and to have been given the chance to experience pregnancy once...and I know, one day soon, we will be parents again through the miracle of adoption.

The Adoption Option

I've been thinking about starting an adoption blog forever, and have finally decided to just sit down & do it. I'm not sure if it's more a theraputic outlet for me, or just that I want to keep a running log of the process. Both, really. I just need to write it all down, stop holding everything inside, and heal. A bit of background:

When my son was born, I had an emergency c-section. Nothing so unusual there. I had a normal recovery & was looking forward to healing completely & bonding with my son. It was not meant to be...at 5 weeks post-partum, I began hemorrhaging. The first time, they kept me overnight & told me it was just a heavy first period. I was sent home on birth control pills to regulate my hormones. Two days later, I was back in the hospital, hemorrhaging again. This time I was kept 4 days, and sent home on a double dose of birth control pills. Two days after I was told to lower the dosage, I had my worst episode of hemorrhaging yet. I was taken by ambulance to the hospital & kept there for two weeks. Many tests were performed & it was finally concluded that I had a pseudoanyerism of the uterine artery. Before any further steps were taken, I hemorrhaged again in the hospital bed, and after a failed balloon catheter, and a belated attempt at embolization, I ended up with an emergency hysterectomy. In the moment, I understood the hysterectomy would save my life, but the after effects are far-reaching. I wanted another child, and that ability was taken completely & suddenly from me. It's a long grieving process, and I'm not sure I'll ever completely get over it. I am so incredibly grateful for my beautiful, healthy son...but our family is not complete & there is a place waiting to be filled.

Immediately after the hysterectomy, my husband & I began discussing our options for another child. The only option we ever really considered was adoption. It was something we had discussed when we first started dating...long before we ever even considered getting pregnant. We both wanted to adopt at some point in our lives...now here was our opportunity. But adoption is not an easy, quick, or cheap process. Which brings us back to this blog...I am starting this blog not only as a running log of the process from beginning to end, but also as a place where people can contribute money to our adoption journey.