Everything Happens for a Reason

We hear this phrase so often, but I have found it to be so true in my life. It never ceases to amaze me, looking back at the chain of events that led me to this moment in time. What if I had made a different choice 10 years ago...would I be where I am now, or would I be somewhere else? And it's a mish-mash of things beyond my control & consequent decisions I've made that have brought me to this point, each choice building on the last.

When I graduated college, I had grand dreams of being immediately hired & setting up my own elementary classroom...I had absolutely no doubt I would be hired right away. That is, until September rolled around, and I still had no job prospects. But I lucked out...a local elementary school called my mom for a long-term substitute position, not realizing that she had a full-time teaching job already (she used to sub for them in the past). She told them that she wasn't available, but amazingly, her daughter had just graduated with a degree in elementary education, and was available! So off I went...and I ended up subbing part time for most of the fall, then got a seasonal job at Barnes & Noble to cover the gaps. By January I had been hired for a long-term substitute position at another school for the rest of the school year, and was also asked to stay on with Barnes & Noble past the holiday season. With the end of the school year came another round of job applications, and again, no luck until August. I got a call from an elementary school who was looking for a Media Specialist (a fancy name for librarian), a position I had not even applied for...they called me not only because of my education degree, but also because I worked at Barnes & Noble! I ended up working as a Media Specialist in that district for two years. At the end of those two years, certification requirements in NY changed, and I could no longer be a Media Specialist without a Masters in Library Science. I applied everywhere I could, but no luck, and so I turned to Florida, which I had heard was desperate for teachers. Again, I applied for a regular elementary teaching position, but was called based on my Media Specialist experience & promptly hired to fill that position at a brand new school. I worked at that school for a year & a half, before budget issues forced the school to cut my position. (Ironically, this was yet another reason I had left NY, as all the schools were severly cutting budgets up north). After a month of unemployment, I was finally hired at a small public library as the Library Director & Children's Librarian, and I've now been here almost 6 years. If I hadn't had a love of books to begin with, and worked at Barnes & Noble, I would never have been hired as a Media Specialist in NY...if I hadn't had those two years experience as a Media Specialist in NY, I would never have been hired for that position in Florida...and if I hadn't been a Media Specialist in Florida, I would never have been hired for my current position.

And here we are in Florida, where the adoption laws are some of the best in the country (incidentally, NYS adoption laws are very difficult to work with). Adoption was the furthest thing from my mind when we moved here 7 years ago...I had no idea I was moving to an adoption friendly state, nor that I would be in need of such a thing down the road. Kind of makes you wonder if there isn't some larger force at work here. Through circumstances and events sometimes beyond my control, I have been led to this point in my life...my job led me to move to an adoption friendly state, my son's birth led to my hysterectomy, and my hysterectomy led to our adoption plan. Everything happens for a reason.

Song Lyrics

Sometimes I hear a song, and it just speaks to me...it's not usually the whole song, maybe just a line or two, but man, do those two lines hit close to home! And it's funny because usually the subject of the song has absolutely nothing to do with why I relate to it. There are three songs (currently) that really hit me emotionally, in regards to my hysterectomy & what I went through. One is 'Sand in My Shoes' by Dido:

Two weeks away, feels like the whole world should have changed,
but I'm home now, and things still look the same.

Now, of course, in the song, she's singing about a vacation, and my two week hospital stay was nothing of the sort, but those two lines describe exactly how I felt when I got home.

The second is just a one-liner from 'Shattered' by O.A.R.:

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?

I went through so much both physically & emotionally, and there were times I thought I might just break under the strain.

The third is from 'Break Even' by The Script:

They say bad things happen for a reason, but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding...
cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even, even, no...

This part is a double-entendre for me...physically bleeding, and emotionally bleeding...and, of course, it did break my heart that I can no longer have children. And later, in the chorus:

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathin',
Just pray to a god that I don't believe in.

The first line is pretty self explainatory...true, again, physically & emotionally. The second line is so ironic...I don't consider myself religious, and I don't really believe in a god, but I certainly pray when the going gets tough. To whom or what do I pray? No one & nothing...and everything. The world at large. Karma. Fate. Destiny. My guardian angel. I don't label it, I just put the prayer out there, and let the world make of it what it will.

I am constantly revising my list of theme songs to my life, but those three will always remind me of what I overcame & how much stronger it has made me.

Home Study is D.O.N.E.

It's been forever since I updated this blog, but that's mainly because I've been so consumed with the piles of paperwork required to complete our homestudy this past month. We stumbled across a stack of savings bonds while cleaning out the office one day, and the combined total was enough to pay for our homestudy! (Don't you love found money?) I figured that was a sign that we should bite the bullet & have one done, and so we began the daunting task of collecting all the information required, scheduling appointments (a difficult task at the best of times, given Ambrose's crazy schedule), and filling out the mountains of paperwork. I was amazed to find that because our fingerprints were done electronically, the results came back within HOURS, not weeks. And then, at the end of all that, came our actual home visit, which was more stressful than I thought it would be. It's not that I was nervous our social worker would see the house, and run screaming in the other direction...it's just the thought that another person has the power to decide whether or not you can become parents again, and the home visit is the culmination of everything leading up to that decision. So even though I knew better, thoughts like, "What if she says NO?!" kept running through my head all afternoon, and by the time she arrived I was a nervous wreck. Luckily, that didn't last very long, and the home visit went so well, and we had so much fun chatting that the social worker ended up staying an extra hour! We worked with Amy Imber of Connecting Hearts Adoption Services, and I highly recommend her. Amy worked quickly & efficiently to finish our home study in record time--3 weeks from the time we started background checks it was done--and immediately put us at ease during the home visit. She also had great recommended agencies, attorneys, and consultants based on our wants & needs. Our next steps are deciding whether we want to use a consultant, or just choose an agency/attorney on our own, and beginning the adoption grant application process. But that's for another post. ;)

The Home Study

The home study is just what it says...a study of your home. Yes, but what is it? Basically, it's a detailed, written report on your family & home life compiled by a social worker. It includes family background, the neighborhood you live in, your physical health, financial statements, criminal clearances, references, interviews...the list goes on. The amount of information required is rather daunting & you begin to wonder why every parent isn't required to jump through this many hoops before they have kids. On the one hand, it's reassuring that someone is making sure an adopted child is placed in a good home...on the other hand, it seems invasive & unecessary, especially if you already have a child. The home study can take several weeks to several months; while the home visit itself is generally completed quickly, the criminal clearances are what take the most time. Naturally, this is not a free service, either; home studies generally cost between $500-$3,000, althought this is calculated as part of the overall adoption cost of $30k+. And, guess what else? EVERY STATE IS DIFFERENT. Some states allow an independent social worker to perform a home study, while others require a licensed agency. If you're adopting within the state the home study is conducted, no problem. But what happens when you're adopting across state lines...or internationally? That's where it gets complicated. A great, general source I came across is here, (linked to with permission from the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.) I've been unable to find a site online, however, that lists home study requirements by state, so it's best to consult a licensed adoption attorney before proceeding with the home study.

Missed Opportunities

I mentioned in the last post that we had an adoption situation drop suddenly in our laps, but were unable to follow through on it; here is the background on that.

Through one of the adoption support groups we've discovered, I received an email detailing an adoption situation that required immediate action. The birthmom was already on the way to the hospital to give birth, and the birthparents wanted the prospective adoptive parents to be at the hospital as the baby was born. Talk about short notice! I'm not sure if this couple decided literally last minute to give their child up for adoption, or if they had a failed placement, but it sure didn't leave much time. At first I was thrilled to think that this might be our child, but as I read further into the email, & discovered just how unprepared we were, I got very discouraged as I realized we would not be the adoptive parents waiting at the hospital, this time. First off, we have not yet completed a homestudy, due to the fact that they are only good for one year. Our thought being that there's no point completeing a homestudy when we know we won't have the money to adopt within that time frame, thereby wasting money that could have been put toward the adoption. This brings us to the second hurdle, money. The adoption costs for this particular case were listed as $33,500...we had approximately $12,500 saved at the time (just a slight gap in the funding there), and I knew there was no way we could bridge that $21,000 gap overnight. It was a bittersweet moment, realizing this was not the situation for us, after all. On the one hand, we wouldn't be able to adopt that baby...but on the other hand, excited to discover that at any moment an adoption situation could just drop in our laps. It really can happen that quickly, if we're prepared. And it brought up an intriguing question...maybe we should go ahead with the homestudy, after all. Since the homestudy takes so long, perhaps it's worth the "maintenance fee" to update it until we adopt. There would still be the gap in funding to come up with last minute, of course, but maybe that would be easier/take less time than waiting on background checks (for example, if we were able to take out a loan). I brought this issue up to an adoption professional, and her suggestion was to just do the background check section of the homestudy for now, since that is the time consuming part; the actual home visit could be completed very quickly. We would still have to update that in a year if we hadn't adopted by then, but the "maintenance fee" wouldn't be as much. Excellent advice, and something we are definitely considering...we'd hate to miss out on another adoption situation because we weren't prepared.

Growing & Learning

There's been quite the flurry of adoption activity over here this spring, and it's past time for an update. I've been feeling more positive lately about the possibility of ever affording an adoption. In the fall, we were researching the possibility of filing a malpractice suit against my doctors and possibly the hospital. After consulting with several lawyers, though, we were told we didn't have much of a case; disappointing to say the least. Not that we expected millions out of a lawsuit, but we were certainly hoping for enough to fund an adoption, or at the very least, significantly contribute to the adoption. At the time, I was absolutely devastated, convinced that without that money we'd never be able to afford adoption. But I've since rallied & am once more determined to overcome the money hurdle. We've been doing some small fund raising projects, such as selling books we no longer read on Amazon marketplace, and selling off jewelry I no longer wear. Our tax refund went straight into the adoption fund, of course, and occasional donations from family have also boosted our fund. Our fund is sssslllloooowwwwlllyyyy growing...at a glacial pace, true, but growing nonetheless. Of course, given my lack of patience, my perception of how fast our fund is growing is probably rather skewed.

About a month ago, a friend sent me some information on a local adoption support group that was just starting up. I don't know why, but it never occurred to me to look around for support groups. So I was very excited to learn that they even existed, and very much looking forward to attending the meeting. At that first meeting, I learned of another support group in the area, and at the second meeting I was able to attend, I learned of yet another local support group! Amazing that they were here this whole time, right under our noses. It's been wonderful to have a group (or several groups, really) of people who are also on an adoption journey to turn to for advice, experience, and understanding.

Now that the word is getting out among friends & family of our desire to adopt, adoption information seems to be cropping up everywhere. We had an adoption situation actually drop in our laps, but had to pass it up because of lack of funds. We also discovered that a friend of a friend owns an agency & would be willing to give us advice on the process. Things are moving forward, for sure. Now if our adoption fund would just get the message & catch up...

Up All Night

Can't sleep. Had an adoption meeting tonight & now my thoughts are just running together...if we only knew 3 yrs ago what we know now, how different things would be! Ambrose received an inheritance in 2007, and we immediately started improvements on the house...a screened patio, a new kitchen, new floors....It seemed like the right way to use the money at the time, to invest in our house & increase the value. But if we had known then that we would have to adopt a second child, we would have given all those improvements up in a heartbeat & we would be waiting to be matched to a baby RIGHT NOW. Instead, we're struggling to save up the $30k+ for adoption, putting every spare penny (and then some) into an adoption fund, all while trying to stay afloat financially. I'm really starting to resent the kitchen, patio, and floors. And then there's the adoption tax credit, which expires in 2011...how wonderful to be able to recoup $13k of our adoption expenses! We just have to hurry up & adopt before the end of 2011...which, at the rate our adoption fund is inching along, will most likely not happen. I feel like a petulant child screaming "IT'S NOT FAIR!" when an older sibling gets to do something I can't...and, yet, it's NOT fair. Of course, knowing that it's not fair doesn't change things, nor does it make me feel any better about the situation. Not for the first time, I question why on earth adoption has to be so damn expensive! Again, IT'S NOT FAIR. Why should giving birth to a biological child be so much cheaper than adoption? Why should people who can't have children of their own, or who just want to offer a better life to a child, be penalized? No one should have to pay thru the nose to become a parent. (parenting classes & being required to pass an aptitude test before having children, adopted or otherwise, however, should be required. (; ) Trying to stay positive about the whole thing, but sometimes the unfair factor punches me in the gut, and it takes awhile to get back up.

The Adoption Option

I've been thinking about starting an adoption blog forever, and have finally decided to just sit down & do it. I'm not sure if it's more a theraputic outlet for me, or just that I want to keep a running log of the process. Both, really. I just need to write it all down, stop holding everything inside, and heal. A bit of background:

When my son was born, I had an emergency c-section. Nothing so unusual there. I had a normal recovery & was looking forward to healing completely & bonding with my son. It was not meant to be...at 5 weeks post-partum, I began hemorrhaging. The first time, they kept me overnight & told me it was just a heavy first period. I was sent home on birth control pills to regulate my hormones. Two days later, I was back in the hospital, hemorrhaging again. This time I was kept 4 days, and sent home on a double dose of birth control pills. Two days after I was told to lower the dosage, I had my worst episode of hemorrhaging yet. I was taken by ambulance to the hospital & kept there for two weeks. Many tests were performed & it was finally concluded that I had a pseudoanyerism of the uterine artery. Before any further steps were taken, I hemorrhaged again in the hospital bed, and after a failed balloon catheter, and a belated attempt at embolization, I ended up with an emergency hysterectomy. In the moment, I understood the hysterectomy would save my life, but the after effects are far-reaching. I wanted another child, and that ability was taken completely & suddenly from me. It's a long grieving process, and I'm not sure I'll ever completely get over it. I am so incredibly grateful for my beautiful, healthy son...but our family is not complete & there is a place waiting to be filled.

Immediately after the hysterectomy, my husband & I began discussing our options for another child. The only option we ever really considered was adoption. It was something we had discussed when we first started dating...long before we ever even considered getting pregnant. We both wanted to adopt at some point in our lives...now here was our opportunity. But adoption is not an easy, quick, or cheap process. Which brings us back to this blog...I am starting this blog not only as a running log of the process from beginning to end, but also as a place where people can contribute money to our adoption journey.